COMIC SCRIPT

… to peep or not to be …

Comic:            Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I AM. At least I think I am. Cogito, ergo sum. I don’t know what you think but I hope you think you are too. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here. For example when you die you stop thinking so you cannot say ‘I think I am’. You are not, you’re bloody dead. But what if I stop thinking while I’m still alive, while I still am? It’s a bit of a conundrum if you know what I mean. All this thinking can give you a serious headache and as you know there are a few schools of thought that tell you that thinking is the source of all the trouble we’re in – like government debt, skin rashes and the war on tellers. So let’s do a serious experiment: we will all close our eyes and stop thinking – if you like you can do this by focusing on a mantra like the Zen Buddhists do, like you can say OOOM backwards over and over again, like a cow, until your mind becomes blank and you have stopped thinking. So, if we all stop thinking, will we all stop being who we are? OK, this has never been attempted on this scale before. OK, I am. I mean I am seriously serious about this. OK, we will do this for only three minutes, so you and I will close our eyes and see what happens. OK, OK, clever Dick, we won’t see what will happen. That’s the point. If you, during these three minute as much as lift your eyelid for one second, you will have ruined the whole experiment. I am. I am serious now, absolutely. NO PEEPING! Get it? NO PEEPING. For a start, you might not see anyone because we have stopped thinking that we are. So I am not responsible if you don’t see anybody who is not thinking. So, I repeat, NO PEEPING. Concentrate with your eyes closed, concentrate on not thinking anything. And don’t make up any silly things like ‘why am I?’ as in ‘why am I thinking that I am not thinking?’ So, for the last time, are you, I mean are you ready?

Audience:            (hopefully) … yes we are. Yes we are.

Comic:            For God’s sake! Don’t close your eyes until I say so. Some of you are not getting it, are you? You are? OK, I am, I mean I am sorry if you are. I mean getting it. OK, stop being ambiguous and when I say ‘close your eyes now’ then you close your eyes. Jesus, wait until I say so, OK? OK, everybody ready? Good God! NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES.

Audience:            (hopefully will close their eyes)

After one minute or so a naked woman comes from backstage, signaling to the audience not to alarm the Comic and she takes the wallet from the pocket of the Comic who has his eyes closed. She disappears behind the stage. Those in the audience who were peeping will (hopefully) giggle and induce other to peep too, being somewhat incredulous at what they are seeing – and perhaps getting the joke, they will laugh heartily and wake up the whole audience (those who open their eyes too late will have missed it, so to speak).

Comic:            (opens his eyes ahead of time due to the disturbances in the audience, ready to launch an angry diatribe … but reaching for his back pocket and realizing his wallet was gone, yelling …)

                        … holy Mother of God … did some joker pinch my wallet while I wasn’t … while I wasn’t thinking, while I was not, while I was not looking, OK, so you think this is a joke, are you, are you? You are? I am not, I am not. OK I’ve had enough of this. GET THIS. I am. I am calling the police …

(gets his cell phone and dials 111)

                        Yes, hello, yes I want to report a theft, someone stole my wallet on stage … no it’s not this sort of a stage … it’s got all my money in it and my ID, like who I am, I am … my name? OK, OK, and you, you are? Are you for real? …. No I didn’t think so, I mean I’m not thinking … are you? Well that’s the problem then officer, you think I am but I am not joking, I am, I am reporting a theft for God’s sake …

Policeman:            (with truncheon in hand – obviously a stage act, ambles on stage)

                        OK, Guv, what we got here? Who is them? (pointing at audience)

Comic:            So you think you are a policeman?

Policeman:            Yes, I am. Kleider machen Leute. Der Mensch ist was er isst.

Comic:            You are a German philosopher in disguise, a Kant perhaps? … never mind officer, find the thief who stole my wallet.

Policeman:            (addresses audience) Did anyone SEE anything suspicious?

Comic:            Look officer, look here, they didn’t see anything because they had their eyes closed and were not, I mean they were not thinking and so were not.

Policeman:            Mind your grammar young man, stop truncating your sentences or I shall think to have you arrested for swearing. (addresses the audience again) Did anybody think SEEING anything suspicious?

Man in the audience:                        A naked lady came on stage and took his wallet.

Comic:            Officer, arrest this man immediately, he is a Peeping Tom.

Man in the audience:                        I am not.

Comic:            Yes, you are.

Man in the audience:                        No, I am not.

Policeman:            Double negative. You are guilty as charged.

Commotion from the back of the stage. Stage manager and two real looking police officers (one man, one woman) enter.

Real policeman (addressing the stage manager):            We have received a complaint about nudity on stage. Where is she?

Manager:            Where is who? Look, ask the comedian here, he put on the show.

Real policewoman:            … and who is the clown in the police uniform? We shall have to arrest him for impersonating a police officer.

Policeman:            Don’t be ridiculous, do I even look like you, talk like you, walk like you … I am an actor pretending to impersonate a policeman … and anyway, aren’t you the naked lady, are you?

Comic:            … so it is, it is you, it is her who stole my wallet, holy Mother of God, give it back to me, you She-ila you …

Real policewoman:            (pulls out a gun and aims at Comedian and pulls the trigger)

Comedian falls to the ground and doesn’t move.

Policeman:            You’ve killed him. He is subsequently dead.

Policewoman:            This is fuzzy logic: he is not.

Manager:            Yes, he is.

Policewoman:             You think he is but he is not. Shall I show you all? (starts to undress, audience shouts approval)

Comic:            (in an ethereal voice) I am not really … dead. I am sort of … alive, really. I think I am rising from the dead … (rising up into the air and addressing the audience, while the real policewoman gets more undressed) NOW FOR THE LAST TIME, close tour eyes, stop thinking, stop being … you can go home now, the PEEP show is finished.

Curtain falls.